phylloid

It's Been Fun While It Lasted.

2009-11-13T17:59:00.000+08:00

Sounds like something Aly will say.

:)

Moved.

Wonders if should state Tumblr URL here.
Just ask, I guess.

Hiatus.

2009-11-12T17:46:00.002+08:00

:)

Sort of.

Sometimes people are layered like that. There's something totally different underneath than what's on the surface. But sometimes, there's a third, even deeper level, and that one is the same as the top surface one. Like with pie.

Joss Whedon, Zack Whedon, Maurissa Tancharoen, and Jed Whedon
Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog, 2008

/...

2009-11-11T22:37:00.005+08:00

Was so afraid this morning, I shivered.

Have fallen in love with my Fox jacket, though it's heavy and huge.

Trying hard... To smile, perhaps.

I feel like chatting with hocc, haha. Or perhaps Wyman.
(And ask him about his many lyrics.)

Yeah.

The story does repeat itself everywhere.
Without realisation.

Project Work is over, by the way.
I found it hard to be that happy, though Chloe and I were hugging like mad.

CG outing was a failure.
CG Outreach... Shall be planned. -.-

Can't believe I've Infocomm this Friday. Thinks it'll be a sad week.
Then I'll vanish a little, here and there, except for next Monday, and internship will keep me occupied for a month.

MOSSP outing is sort of confirmed.
the6ofus, I'm not sure. Still too tired to organise, sorry.

Pong, I love you, hahaha. :)

Hmmmm. Shall... Search for volunteer websites now, and not think too much.

Well.
It's alright.

It can't be that bad, right?

HAHA.

2009-11-09T21:44:00.002+08:00

Well...

:)

:/

:X

:D

:S

Kinda a mixture.

Oh my god. I think this will only sink in some other day.

Aranda...

2009-11-09T20:18:00.002+08:00

Question 4 of 25: Is there anything you need to apologize to * about?

I'm not sure.

But anyway.

Woke up, glanced around, received that phone call.

No idea still, if I woke up due to that call, or received it right after waking up. Either way.

Well.

It did make me realise I've placed you too far back in the past.

(It's making me feel guilty too.)

Well well.

You can call me anytime, indeed.

忘.

2009-11-08T19:09:00.001+08:00

為何我有這照片　何時在異地見面
為何伏向你的臉　也許在分手那天
我就快再記不起一切　扶著我自摑的臉
仍然沒法為你覺得愛恨交煎

臨遺忘你過一世　前來用錄像拍低
首先請說你曾是我舊時那一位
然後用煙頭　灼我的身體　然後讓我記低
留住這種痛　難受到徹底　記得起也抵

甜不足夠我記住你　或者苦會記得起
寧願即將失憶的我痴呆地　繼續傷心至死
以甚麼方法再會你　有甚麼可以更可悲
這片段紀錄曾經深愛你
但如別人事蹟　很詭秘

趁未曾喪盡我記憶　從頭做曾做過的
溫心的你淪為陌生者我怎心息
愛我這麼久　你怎麼分手　來吧逐處解釋
黃是你的姓　紅是你愛的　就當做常識

甜不足夠我記住你　或者苦會記得起
寧願即將失憶的我痴呆地　繼續傷心至死
以甚麼方法再會你　有甚麼可以更可悲
這片段紀錄曾經深愛你
但如別人事蹟　很詭秘

甚麼可叫我記住你　別講一句對不起
寧願即將失憶的我痴呆地　繼續傷心至死
我曾經堅決要忘記　這日竟恐怕記不起
可笑在這樣才知　深愛你
感覺若然沒死　多得你

Hmmm.

2009-11-08T15:40:00.004+08:00

HAHA.

I need to sleep.

[Removed cos now I don't like this comic.]

HAHA again.

Class chalet... Hm, like that lor. :)

Yep.

Haven't had enough though.

Ah well.

gan dan lay gong, ngoh zai hai ho ngoi neih.

:)

2009-11-04T20:48:00.002+08:00

I am happy.

(If not, a little tired and brain-dead.)

Not keen on it now, since it'll take so much of my time away and besides, don't like not having more friends in it.
*prays I don't get in*

Other than that,
I'm a happy person today.

Played with an ant, not in a cruel way. Hope it wasn't traumatised. :)

And somehow, felt a little little little uncomfortable with silence, because I was too silent at times.

Looking forward to CG chalet pretty much now.

:)

It's raining outside. Will be a lovely sleep later.

Shall... Do these by tonight.

1. Finish Econs. Waiting for Noelle and YS still, to come online.
2. Edit OP script and print.
3. Edit slides and print and save to thumbdrive.
4. Edit I&R and print.
5. Sleep! :D

Meme to Curb.

2009-11-03T20:02:00.004+08:00

1. Super-fun adventure amusement park marathon with you, Rui Shan and Padma! How will it go?

It'll have me going HEEHEEHEE throughout. :D Think that Padma will be the daring one, dragging RS and me to the scary rides.

2. What advice would you give Shir Lin?

BE YOURSELF ALWAYS, YOU LOVELY GIRL. :D Though I suan you so much on a daily basis.

3. Is Jasmine your best friend?

No, she's my BEST LAO NIANG. :D

4. What do you think about Padma?

Nasty. But, I like. >:D

5. How did you meet Hui Yi?

Thinks it was the first few weeks of school. Kinda hanged around her then. :)

6. If you could do anything with Bee Cheng, what would it be?

HIAK HIAK HIAK HIAK HIAK HIAK HIAK. Chat, lor, while sharing rojak or something. :)

7. What was your first impression of Alyssa?

Dao but secretly shy. 0.0

8. What's your fondest memory of Janice?

Hmmm. Fondest? Hmmm. Swing and bubbles? :)

9. Ever slept in the same room with Xiao Xuan?

SOON, SOON. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

10. How did you meet Hocc?

LOL. We have yet to meet. :)

Do As Infinity / 柊

WARNING.

2009-11-02T18:26:00.001+08:00

WILL HARM IF PROVOKED.

This stands for a week.

Mmm.

2009-11-02T17:26:00.002+08:00

yan wai ngoh gok dak yue guo dat yin zi gan mo jor lay, ngoh wooi say.

ngoh hai ho sor, mo chor.

:)

fan jeng, lay qi zoh jau wooi zi ge lah.

:)

Zomp!

2009-11-01T12:41:00.005+08:00

I realised I like the way this font looks like!

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

By the way, MOSSP is meeting up in Dec?
the6ofus, before end of Nov? (Because DK will be away to Korea for Outward Bound.)

:)

I'm testing my disciple's understanding of Cantonese pinyin now.

:)

Ga yao!

Hai lee gor si hao, ngoh zan hai ho sin muk lo si ma lay.

Tsk.

2009-11-01T12:19:00.008+08:00

Tumblr isn't being nice, so I can't customise the template yet.
I'LL BE THERE SOON, ALYX AND POODMA. WAIT UP.

kay sat, yao d yeh, ngoh ng seung gong chut lay.
sin ji wooi yong mai guong dong wa lay gong.

ngoh gay dak dong nin hai mong seung gong doh d sum lay min geh wa.
tao lo jor zi geh jung yi seung kui. (yan wai yi wai kui hai ng ji guong dong wa, yuen lay kui doh sek siu siu...)

dan hai zui jong, kui doh hai lay gai doh ngoh seung gong geh yat cai. ngoh ho zan sek kui gah.

gong mai lay lah.

yi ga ngoh jan hai ng seung gong bay lay teng.
ngoh ng hai lao lay. ngoh ji but guo gok dak lay zan hai lay tai dor lah,
gao doh zi gay yat d doh ng hoi sum.
gum ngoh seung bong mong geh si hao, lay yao ng seung ngoh lay.
gum yiu ngoh dim jek.

hai yiu ngoh tiu, deng hai yiu ngoh lao hai gor doh neh?

yi ging mun guo lay.
lay wa yu guo ngoh tiu, lay jau wooi lao ngoh lah.

dan hai yu guo yiu ngoh lao hai gor doh, ho ng ho yi ng ho seng yat doh wa ngoh mo kui dei gum ho, mo kui dei gum kan yiu.

ng ho mui ci sms ngoh, yiu ngoh wooi ying, yin hao yao ng wooi ying ngoh, ho mo?

I don't suppose any of you know what's written above.
HAHA. Actually, go ahead and decipher.

It's a 50-50 battle within me, whether or not I want whoever I'm referring to to know.

Chinese tomorrow.
Infocomm video editing this week, suddenly.

Oh, it's gonna be a busy, emo, hectic week.

GO.

I've Been.

2009-10-31T19:23:00.002+08:00

Saying/doing/caring/behaving/trying/saying/doing/caring/behaving/trying excessively.

:)

Shall leave, for awhile, and adjust my settings.

ColorQuiz says I'm...

Insecure with herself, needs stable roots and emotional security. Seeking an environment which provides comfort and few problems.

Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as herself, but finds the need unfulfilled. her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of himself. She would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important.

Feels she is getting less than she deserves for all her hard work; however, she makes no effort to change things and tries to make the best of the situation.

Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult.

Her confidence is low but she is unable to admit that is the reason for her avoidance of conflict. Feels it is a situation out of her control and she is making the best of it.

If motivated, she will easily and quickly learn new skills. Is very intense person who seeks excitement ~~and sexual stimulation~~. Wants others to see her as an exciting and interesting person, who is also charming and can easily influence others. Uses her charm to increase her chances of success and gain other people's trust

Impressed by unique and one of a kind things, and by people with exceptional personalities. Tries to takes the characteristics she likes in other people and apply it to herself as well as coming across as a unique individual.

Am I that depressed? -_-

(:

2009-10-31T17:23:00.001+08:00

"You see the world in such a lovely way. (:"

"That's because it IS a lovely world! (:"

Haha...
Currently chatting with one of the most optimistic people around. :)

Thanks, lady.

Let's Divert.

2009-10-31T15:08:00.003+08:00

Isn't Vee so amazing? :) I love her so much, in a different sense from hocc, because there's this mysterious aura about Vee.

Shall not emo today.
Nothing to emo about, right?

I'm planning to... Not hide.
Trying to not hide, but in that sense, hiding that feeling.

:)

Odd world I'm living in.

HOW, PONG, HOW.
NOTHING'S HAPPENING. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. AND THERE'S NOTHING TO DO BECAUSE NOTHING'S HAPPENING. SO I'M STUCK. BUT IT'S NOTHING MUCH TO REMOVE MYSELF FROM.

Chinese A Levels next Monday. To be exact, less than 2 days away.
Then OP till class chalet, then final OP, then tadah, I'll be free! :D

Shall go MIA after that... No?

Yes.
Quite certain, I should.

Oh, ****, there's CG outreach to plan for. ****.

Because it worked, last December. It worked. You're mostly gone. :)

Thinks That.

2009-10-30T02:12:00.005+08:00

My mood will remain so until I get rest and more time alone. Which will be after OP.

Lala.

Well.
Hm, what did I want to say?

Ah.
Missed Aly quite a lot today. Her presence matters much.
She's like a mountain I lean on for support, especially when I refuse to face people, in general. No reference to her height and species.

:)

Shall sleep.

Sorry, Chinese. I'll go after you this weekend. Love you, the most, still. :)

Won't let 朱老師 down, or 李老師 either, both lovely teachers.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Oh, and I was looking at percentile for Promos.
WAH, WHAT HAPPENED TO CHEM AND ECONS. Thought they were my better subjects, haha. Shall buck up. And oh-my-tian, Chinese.

Thanks, hocc, for giving my essay life. Thinks I wouldn't have even passed GP if you never became my superhero.

<3

Sounding too emo, too tired, too withdrawn, too distanced, too different, too indifferent, too dao, too whatever you can think of. Sorry, I.

Tsk.

Oh, woman-on-my-right. It's back, it's back. :( I'm pretty sure. Somehow. Yeah.

Can't wait for some BBQ or weird gathering at some friend's house, without facing all this stress.

\

2009-10-28T22:19:00.003+08:00

*reaches for three-year-old wound and removes bandage*

*finds wound completely healed, with a gorgeous scar left behind*

*smiles*

*places same bandage, on a newly-inflicted wound...*

Will there be a scar, this second time?

Why do you even bother.

Yeah.

2009-10-28T21:59:00.003+08:00

Feel like hiding.

Is it a sudden feeling?

Quite much.

Well.

WR's finally over.
I'm so thankful for Chloe. :) Thank you, for being so decent, so awesome.
I... Have nothing to say for the others.

OP's left. Woohoo.
Shall do the slides tomorrow.

Tonight... I shall attempt Chinese... Or simply SLEEP. :D

Well.

Onion's such a nice song.

如果你眼神能够为我
片刻的降临
如果你能听到心碎的声音
沉默的守护著你
沉默的等奇迹
沉默的让自己像是空气

大家都吃著聊著笑著
今晚多开心
最角落里的我笑得多合群
盘底的洋葱像我
永远是调味品
偷偷的看著你
偷偷的隐藏著自己

如果你愿意一层一层
一层的剥开我的心
你会发现你会讶异
你是我最压抑
最深处的秘密
如果你愿意一层一层
一层的剥开我的心
你会鼻酸你会流泪
只要你能听到我
看到我的全心全意

听你说你和你的他们
暧昧的空气
我和我的绝望装得很风趣
我就一颗洋葱
永远是配角戏
多希望能与你有一秒
专属的剧情

如果你愿意一层一层
一层的剥开我的心
你会发现你会讶异
你是我最压抑
最深处的秘密
如果你愿意一层一层
一层的剥开我的心
你会鼻酸你会流泪
只要你能听到我
看到我的全心全意

你会鼻酸你会流泪
只要你能听到我
看到我的全心全意

Seems like each time I feel like hiding, I listen to this song, and get reminded of what hurt most. And...

Well.

Seriously, I don't see the point of continuing.

Leaf, for goodness sake, aren't you sick of those days?

When you stared out of the window every few minutes? When your neck began to ache each time you spin so quickly when you realised the footsteps sounded familiar? When you would scribble the four strokes all around your desk, even unconsciously? When it hurt so much, you had to force yourself to look away, though you were smiling equally much inside?

Come on, man.
You got over that.

Come on.
You know you can't return to that state.

Suddenly, I miss you. Yes, you. Because what belongs to the past, is always so much easier to handle.

Oh and.
I think I'll create some nice Tumblr template soon. :)

Sigh.

Hm.

2009-10-28T03:53:00.000+08:00

It's late, or rather, it's early.

Wonders if I can survive with 2 hours of sleep.
But then Hero can probably live, with 1 hour.

Jiayou k.

It's been tough on us, all of us.
Feels weird just saying it.

Well.

Come on, friends. We can beat the devils.

Eh.

2009-10-26T17:26:00.002+08:00

I'm really not knowing where this will end up to be.

:(

I understand it's not meant to really go anywhere. Yet sometimes it inches forward, then is prevented from going anywhere farther. It leaves me trying to make it go beyond... Then suddenly it rebounds right back at me.

So. What the hell is going on?

Damn it. I want an answer but this is such an abstract question.

ARGHWHATWILLCOMEOUTOFTHIS.

It's alright.

Leave it.

Promos results... Well. I'm concerned about Chinese because it's in bloody seven days and Econs, because hey, I've to really buck up. -.-

PW is stealing my soul. Please tell me you two freaks are attempting to do something, thank you.

And.

And.

Sigh.

Have you taken over my life? I need it back, since you've taken more than half of it away. Either that or feel free to fill it. Sincerely, I prefer the latter... -.-

What an odd way of phrasing how I feel.

Feels like using Tumblr. :)

Ah.

FYI, I hate it when I am ~~fucking~~ hungry, buy food, then have other people finish it without my knowledge, when they have more money in their wallet to get their own. It is something I bear grudges against.

I still remember the bloody girl who ran away with my second waffle even though she already had one. And left my stomach growling.

Yep.

And.

I'm not pissed, today. Just tired, just emo, just more -.- than usual.

Thank you.

%@#$^$@&@.

Sometimes.

2009-10-25T23:02:00.000+08:00

When one does not think too much,
one is happy.

I think I'm happy, quite a lot.

:)

Thanks!

:)

Oh, and. WIFEY I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE READING THIS BUT BE PREPARED FOR A LONG LETTER THIS WEEKEND. I hope Mr Shaun goes for tuition and you too.

:)

I'm supposed to be asleep.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

`

2009-10-23T21:39:00.004+08:00

I don't think you read my blog.
No, wait. You do.

Either way, I'll just type this entry, wondering if you know it refers to you.

I'm crying now. Tears are dropping uncontrollably.

The feeling is of...
I'm not sure.

Body has been rebelling the whole day. Hands hurt like shit, feet are covered with blisters, body ache isn't getting any better, throat itches like crazy, but tears being triggered to spill? I didn't imagine it.

Guess I just realised something.

I think I once said I couldn't imagine how my life would be without you. But.

I shall stop here.

:)

It'll be alright, won't it?
I think I've to trust.

When you believe, it exists.

Zzz.

2009-10-23T03:23:00.002+08:00

Guess what?

It's 3.23am exactly.

Less than 3 hours to waking up tomorrow morning. Or this morning. Oh well.
I'm damn tired.

:)

Sports Carnival: stalking.
Sports Exposure: whacking.

Then, WR. WR. WR. WR. WR. WR. WR. WR. WR. WR. WR. WR. WR. WR. WR. WR. WR.

Ah.

And my bloody PW group. Tsk tsk.
Not so bad lah. At least they did some work.

Exceeded word limit like shit, though.

Ah.

My brain is not working.

Oh.

Hmmmm. What to say about this?
It's no longer awkward, at all.
There's this very comfortable silence, or short-sentence conversation, between.

I don't see the need to bring it up, too, if not for the fact that I like to dwell over matters. :)

Mmmm.

2009-10-21T16:05:00.006+08:00

Oh, what fun yesterday. :) I just hope your laptop will be alright soon. :(
Thanks, stalker-helper. :D And sis. :D

Mmmm.
Still tired. Still tired?

I'm craving for chips.
I'm hoping to relax.
I want this week to last for as long as it can. Because bloody next week...

I.
Have to do WR now.

I.
Find the world a funny place now.
Am behaving oddly these days too.

I.
Think it's alright, already.

:(

Hm.
It's alright, it's alright.

Sports Carnival for next two days. Hope to get some nice bonding time with class.

:)

Can't wait for chalet, too.

:)

Hmmm. :)

Added, at 7.25pm:

Time seemed to have stood still when I wanted it to. Each second crawled past more slowly. Each breath became less hurried, less important.

With every blink, I wondered how I could etch everything to memory. The sight, the silence, the touch, the emotion. I wondered how I could keep the entire scene in my life, to never forget it, whether involuntary or not.

When it ended abruptly, all began to fade. The sight, the silence, the touch, but not the emotion. I tried holding on to it so desperately. I think I succeeded in keeping it somewhere inside.

That was one of those moments, when one realises that one has found something never experienced before.

That was when I realised I wanted this to be of permanence.

:D :D :D

2009-10-19T23:09:00.001+08:00

Hero.

:D

A&V, Shampoo and something else.

:D

Seeya tomorrow.

P.S. Feels much like I'm using this as offline message.

YES TOMORROW'S THE DINNER! :D

Mmmm.

2009-10-19T14:56:00.002+08:00

I'll bring D out, now.

:D :D :D

Not to library (maybe briefly, to borrow a book, since I told mum I'll be there, heehee) but to somewhere else.

Wonders if I'll have time for East Coast.

Shall see how many parts of this area I can cover in one and a half hour.

Oh, by the way.

Hmmm, I shall give you a nickname. :)

Um, what about.

My Hero.
Can lah, can lah.

>:D

Anyway, Hero, I won't be online tonight, I think.
But see you tomorrow, anyway.

P.S. Thinks I may spam you tonight, if I find something.

/

2009-10-19T01:09:00.001+08:00

Thinks I'm still...

Trying to care.

Yeah.

Hence, what I just read is prompting me to write this blog entry.

I shouldn't, right?

Well.

:)

Invite me, then. I'll be there, I think, though the past me would have fled and hid in some foreign land.

I'll be there.

:)

2009-10-18T01:47:00.003+08:00

I want to say some stuffs.

But, they'll get me in trouble.

Not trouble, I guess.
Not deep shit, either.

It's just a complexed little thing, which I'm afraid of.

Uncertainty?

Whatever it is,
well.

I'm looking for traces.

:)

Oh and, hocc's blogtv was so lagged just now. Guess I don't mind, because it hanged at her face. Loves how she is willing to share moments.

Mmmm... What she said later left me nodding.

其實能唔能夠唔好成日我唔笑就話我look so tired呢，你地都唔會秒秒響度笑啦係咪，你想我成日扮好high甘同你地講野，定係想笑就笑想唔笑就唔笑呢，不如你地話我知喇。

Yeah.

I think I have yet to answer one question of yours.

:)

I think I'll smile a lot only because.

Heehee.

2009-10-17T17:32:00.002+08:00

Thinks D.Gray-man is pretty good.

-.-

After 2 years of avoiding manga...
WAH. Bet some MOSSPians will be shocked.

Don't intend to try other titles ~~yet~~.

Doubt I'll be addicted for long, BECAUSE HOCC'S ALBUM IS SUPPOSED TO ARRIVE SOON. <3
Besides I've only read 3 chapters.

:)

:)

Can't believe there's so much PW in life now, what a bore!

To: Ah C.

2009-10-17T12:38:00.006+08:00

I think that these few days have been equally heavy, for you and me. You, due to the concert, and the ways it has awakened you. Me, due to various reasons, too abstract for even myself to understand.

Reading this blog post has left me feeling calm. Sure, a few tears streaked down, and I hurriedly went to read other fans' comments to know the situation of this matter. I pondered about the absence of you in the music scene.
But I don't think I was that surprised to read the last portion.

Frankly, anyone who has bothered to know you, whether or not as the position of a friend or a gootoe, has learnt how alien you can be. Your thoughts, views, opinions, feelings and choices - they vary indeed, from the norm, if there is a norm in the first place. That is the sole reason why we support you. We want to, we feel the need to, and it's an unquestionable fact that we like the way you live.

Previous times, whenever you seemed distressed over problems which have to be faced in the course of your work, I wondered if you are really suited for the entertainment circle. There appears to be a barrier around, trying to prevent you from fulfilling more, which I know you would want for yourself. For that reason alone, I won't wish for any gootoe to hold you back.

Yet, at the same time, who's to doubt what you have already done? Especially from three years ago, since I knew about you only slightly before then. I think with your status as a public figure, you have influenced us immensely. It's not just your music, the meaning behind it, the values you've imparted towards us, but rather, the hope we've attained from watching you throughout the years.

Just a week ago, I had to choose an essay question, one out of twelve. I spotted the following, and without any hesitation, chose it to write about my genuine feelings: "There are no heroes left in the world, only celebrities. Do you agree?"
What do you think I wrote about? I think you can guess it.

Anyone can be a hero.
And who's to say celebrities can't be heroes? You are one of mine, always will be.

I know you haven't lost hope and are therefore thinking of seeking other options. Rather, you're on the way to make fuller use of it. We'll support you, in whatever you've to do.

Make a decision you won't regret. ;)

Bien vivre,
leaf

P.S. All the best for the musical. :)

What a Time...

2009-10-17T11:54:00.009+08:00

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word, you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall
You say it best
When you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near you drown out the crowd
Try as they may they could never define
What's been said between your heart and mine

The smile on your face
The truth in your eyes
The touch of your hand
Lets me know
~~That you need me~~

Hurts quite much.
Especially since it's the favourite song of someone who belongs to the past.

Sigh.

Post-exam depression, as usual.

I don't know why I'm here, in this place, at this time, with such a state of mind.
I just want to leave, and find.

Find.
To simply sit there, and not do a thing. To be there. I want to be there, damn it.

Let me be.
(Two meanings to this sentence, I guess.)

Well.

2009-10-17T00:47:00.003+08:00

Well.

Well.

Well.

Well.

Well.

Well.

Well.

Well.

Guess the bus journey helped sort things out, but then, they made my thoughts and feelings so clear that now they're bothering me, once again.

Shit.

Anyway.
Promos are over. Had a lovely time with classmates. Much joy.

Sorry to you, you know who you are, that I haven't been out with you guys recently.

Well.

DAMN IT WHAT A BLOODY TIME TO GET EMO.

Doubt I can get enough rest these days, with a bloody horrible version of WR in my bag.
Screw you.

DAMN IT.

Thinks I'll survive these few days.
Shall find some time, alone. Need it.

Well.

And.
If I weren't emo-ing now, this entry would be something like the following:

I think I know the difference. :)

Between then, and now.

I want it more than I wanted.
This applies to most areas of my life.

Either because I never had it, hence I want to cherish it,
or because I have been having it, hence I need to hold on to it.

:)

Sadly.

Haha.

Yay, to I don't know what.
To perhaps, December.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

2009-10-14T15:02:00.006+08:00

Heck.

No point worrying?

But.

I'm not sure if I'll promote, but I'm quite/very/damn sure I'll fail my neglected H2 Econs.

Which... Makes it a down to H1.
Which... Is something I haven't quite thought of. (Being promoted is/was my focus, duh.)

Plus moderation (most other people improving), I am so dead.

Tsk.
Thinks I'll beg Mrs Loke.

I'm over analysing, I know.

OH WELL.
Chem sucked but I guess revision last night helped. A teeny bit.

I shall forget about Econs now till I get the results back, cry it out someday when I find time,
and simply focus on Maths now.

:)

This feels like 'O' Levels.
Screwed up Lit Elective, came out wondering what-the-hell I was writing about the unseen poem and became depressed for so many days.
In the end, it turned out fine, but this time... I'm less certain.

One thing I like about this school is that no one says stuffs like, "Aiya, you confirm can get A one lah. I should be the one worrying." Everyone here is so bloody smart and only cares about their own results. So far, I've only heard it from former schoolmates and uh, my brother.

Funny how they still don't know they irk me with such words.

COME ON, NOW.
I WILL JIAYOU AND DO MATHS NOW, BECAUSE.

Tried using my handphone but the quality was so urgh, and I used D instead. :)

I think you'll Tsk when you see this but hehehehehehehe. 8D

Thank you, heehee. :)

Oh, I'm so looking forward to next month, not next week, actually. Hmmms.

Tsk.

2009-10-13T17:44:00.000+08:00

Damn pissed.

With myself.

Must I misread an essay question every day?

Gosh, so screwed up.

Bye, pass for econs. Tsk.
Damn it, I want my H2.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~~~

Ah well.
Move on.

Chem's tomorrow.

GO GO GO!

Hmmmms

2009-10-12T17:59:00.000+08:00

"There are no heroes left in the world, only celebrities." Do you agree?

......

Got carried away by the sight of "heroes", sigh.
Oh wells.

Gum still hurts.
Oh wells.

There's econs to study for.

OH WELLS.

:)

Supergoo photos... Damn nice. :)

I Like Long Weekends.

2009-10-11T11:25:00.005+08:00

Only because.

:)

Hmmms. It's promos. Why do I seem so relaxed?

Oh well.

:)

:)

:)

Jiayou, person in the reflection.
Jiayou, classmates and friends.

《圓謊》 - 容祖兒
作曲：Eric Kwok 作詞：林夕
編曲：Eric Kwok 監制：Eric Kwok

現在視你作今生最愛
過去永遠要鎖於夢內
當你問可有往事能細訴
我淡然說在乎我們現在

自問愿與你分享四季
不過自量甚麼不能提
擁抱著都有秘密難獻世
從前自白成為日後芥蒂
像利刺刺穿心底

只要能一世陪住你可以就一世暪住你
/只有用一世瞞住你
秘密藏柜里打開會分離
彼此關系如夢幻才完美
不顧良心去留住你不再回憶瞞住自己
這麼好的天氣陰影早已遠離
驚真相重頭講起你受不起
不坦白為你

自問沒有說謊的智慧
愛你卻要懂得怎自衛
不會冒險試探誰無芥蒂
情人若是更愛量度更細
就讓我去當魔鬼

只要能一世陪住你可以就一世暪住你
/只有用一世瞞住你
秘密藏柜里打開會分離
彼此關系如夢幻才完美
不說明一切留住你不再回憶暪住自己
這麼好的天氣陰影早已遠離
驚真相重頭講起你受不起
今天我們能一起快樂歡喜值得忍到金禧
當雪泥消散於天地
怎可再勾起 / 足跡踢不起

Heehee. :)
Yes, it's changed to happiness again, for now, anyway. :)

I Want...

2009-10-10T12:32:00.005+08:00

So nice. It better be on sale after the concert. :D

And this: http://www.play-asia.com/paOS-13-71-ay-49-en-70-3lgn.html

Price: US$ 15.90 (~22.50 SGD)
Free Shipping within Singapore.

Quite cheap. Hmmmm. Shall get it from Play-Asia.com then. :D :D :D :D :D

It'll probably arrive during promos!

:D :D :D :D :D

I hope I get... Hm. Red, white or black, I'm fine with it. :D

:D :D :D :D :D

Oh, and I think it's a very cute friendship quadrilateral, as said by Mel.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Especially for Mel, I think. :)

Coolness.

Oh and I can't SMS Rock tonight because it's an experiment. :D
Don't mind.

8D

Yellow makes me go nuts. Like catnip. I AM VERY GUAI. Guai, your head.

There's some noise coming from downstairs. It's a lot of noise actually. Tsk.

查理淑儀. Best Couple ever.

Can't find scores. Yet. Oh well. :)

I'm waiting for my mum to come home so I can order my Heroes album.

:D

Things I Ought To. After.

2009-10-09T10:56:00.006+08:00

1. AMIT Live First World Tour
30 Jan 2010, Sat, 8pm
Singapore Indoor Stadium
Standard - S$168, S$138, S$118, S$88
Internet Booking starts on 1 Oct 2009, 9am.
Other Sales channel start on 1 Oct 2009, 10am

I DON'T CARE. I'M GOING TO WATCH AMEI.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

WHETHER OR NOT FRIENDS FOLLOW. OH, PADMA, WOOTS! LET'S GO~ ;)

2. Meet up with MOSSP. (Whenever, wherever! I miss you, all. :D)

3. Meet up with the6ofus. (December, according to Sook... Wah.)

4. TIP, if I get in, else I'm resting like a pig for the rest of hols. :)

5. Class chalet (6 Nov). Actually this ought to be on the top of the list. Hehe.

6. Hang out with nephew at least once. Kinda miss those days when he was a toddler. :)

7. Go out alone, somewhere, and see if I can handle solitude. Maybe stare at the sea for five hours.

8. Sort it out... With who and how, hmms. Impossible to solve this problem, you know? Hence I'm just gonna keep it inside, like I did once before. Padma's gonna scold me for emo-ing too much over it, anyway. :)

Oh well.

9. Watch movies. I think there are so many! :D

10. Play the guitar. It's damn dusty.

I love Black Book. I think it won't last me beyond this year though, haha, judging by the amount of stuffs I write inside.

Oh, Tricia, it's the one you gave. :)

Oh, my dream last night!

It reminded me of the day I received my 'O' Level Chinese results. :)
The moment I stuck my hand out for you, you gripped it tightly.
That must be the sweetest memory I have of you.
In those few seconds alone, I realised it didn't matter anymore, whether I was giving more.

:)

Thanks.

As for the hand last night, well... Fictional! :)

Oh and.
HOCC! Good luck for the concert! :D You're our superhero! :D

I Think...

2009-10-08T10:05:00.002+08:00

“The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die. but things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on.”

“More and more, it feels like I'm doing a really bad impersonation of myself.”

Both by Chuck Palahniuk.

Thanks, Alyssa. I love you, buddy! :D

I think I can let go for awhile.
Get away from traces which remind me of a certain something.

I think I can.

Ooooh, right after promos, I'll be racking my brains for this competition: www.mine.com.sg/competition

:)

Okay, tata.
Wonder what I came online for.

TIME FOR BIO. WOOTS.

Damn Nice.

2009-10-08T00:22:00.001+08:00

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Bye.

Tsk...

Ooolala.

2009-10-07T23:17:00.002+08:00

I came online to make my eyes feel more tired.

:)

Will go off in a minute.

:)

It's interesting.
That's all I'm saying.

:)

I've a feeling these smilies are present only for the sake of making this post seem ~~happier~~ happy.

:)

I've been grounded. Sort of. Don't mind though, as long as family will not be home. Tsk.

:)

I've had last-minute mugging planned out, sort of.
Hope it works. I don't wish to retain, at all.
(Heck H3, I just want to keep my H2s.)

:)

I miss MOSSPians.

:) <- This is real.

And.

I went to Google "mental distance". It has a different meaning from mine.

What I define it as is, "When there's no gap but based on assumption, you think you hardly understand a person... That something's still being hidden."

Yah.

:)

That's all for today.

Think I can abstain from computer for next 4 days.
SMS if you can't spot me appearing offline or if I'm really offline.

P.S. On a much happier note (I'm actually excited over something now) is that HOCC'S ALBUM WILL BE OUT TOMORROW. <3 CAN'T WAIT TO GET IT IN 3 COLOURS if I'm nuts enough then AND ALL THE CONCERT SOUVENIRS. WAHAHAHAHA. <3

Lastly,
can I hug someone to sleep after promos?

HAHAHAHAHAHA. *thinks of hocc*

Okay.

Good night, folksss.

Life rocks. Woots.

:) <- Totally fake.

...

2009-10-06T17:05:00.003+08:00

This is not helping, at all. Damn it.
And I'm putting it on repeat. Why the hell.

Mel.

Don't you get annoyed that I always SMS you whenever I'm emo?
Anyway, I like the fact that when you say I can tell you what's wrong, I really feel at ease doing so. :)

Not supposed to be blogging now, but I feel like getting some words across.

Firstly.

Black Book has been performing well as a diary. So much abstract expression in it which I'm sure anyone who dares to read it won't understand anyway. Good. :)

It’s going to be with me 24/7 from now on, I guess. Rather useful to jot down sudden thoughts, feelings and meaningful quotes.

Secondly.

How many people did I flare up at today? Hmmm. At least one, if I recall correctly.
Ma doesn’t know when her nagging ought to stop too. I’ll control, I guess.

Thirdly, and mostly importantly.

Today was an emo day, honestly. I’m not hiding that for sure, since you all know it already. I don’t know if I should apologise for it though.

Anger, sadness, frustration and emptiness are simply emotions to me. Emotions which everyone possesses. I don’t see the need of concealing them. Hence I like people who’re honest and straightforward with themselves.

I admit that I was hiding today. From what and who, I think I know, but I’m not completely certain, and I'm surely not saying.

It was comforting to be able to walk around the school, with a egg mayo sandwich in one hand and my purple handphone in the other hand. Yes, that was what I was doing, curious people.

I didn’t find a secluded spot to do my Math, sadly, so I chose to wander about, avoiding familiar faces and in fact, strangers too. Hm. avoiding every single human being, in that sense. Basically, I lurked around corners of buildings which seem quiet enough.

Walking, munching, thinking, worrying, yet to calm myself down.

It worked, kinda, but of course I’m still feeling odd.

Friends became worried. That’s inevitable, no? It was either me sitting beside the table and looking like a depressed fool or disappearing. I wasn’t sure which would incur less worry from you all, but I chose the latter.

"Don’t emo by yourself."

Mmm... Isn’t that what most people choose to do? Keep troubles within, not let friends worry, etc. For once, I’m following what they’re doing. I don't like ignoring them, so I ignore you all instead.

Besides, I don’t even know why I was being such a freak today. How do I confide in any of you? Saying stuffs like, “I’m not okay, but it’s nothing!” don’t do much in placating any of you.

Thanks for the presence though, for asking, for knowing, however much.

Told Alyssa (“Do you want to tell me?”) that she and Jasmine are my emo-busters. I think it’s really quite true. There’s this strong sense of I-need-not-worry whenever I’m with them. No strings attached. Nothing to even be attached.

As for the rest of you, whom I avoided/ignored/didn’t react to/didn't laugh with/didn't try approaching today, hmmmm.

Nothing for me to apologise, but well.
I think I’ll be alright soon.

Battle. LOST.

2009-10-04T13:09:00.009+08:00

*clears throat in a non-fragile way*

Since the battle's on, I might as well engage in it.

I can dao people, as I told you on Friday...
(Whether it was done consciously or not on that particular day, I'm still not sure.)

I officially accept the battle! :/
(Initially, I didn't realise I was in one.)

If I dao you too much, to the extreme of it being not "just-for-fun", do know that this barnacle is incapable of controlling herself. Give me a whack on the head, or something that hurts more.

Because, I suppose, no side-grinning and glances to you for now, too.

In the meantime, take care of yourself well.

Anemone has been instructed to be there for you after school.

Barnacle will not be jumping rock, but simply retreating home, for this week.

Damn, this sounds too serious to be a fun battle. Zzzzz.

Ah, well. Jiayou, rock. Concentrate on promos.
I will, too.

For 明目張膽, there was a reason, kinda.
Mostly "我怕會讓你太意外".

Now, maybe 十八相送. It felt like that the other time. When I just wanted to go round and round and round...

Not 做好準備.

I SURRENDER. :D TAKE IT THAT WAY, COS I THINK IT'S THAT WAY. :D
AND MINUS ALL THE EMO CRAP ON TOP.

TOMORROW!

Damn Confused.

2009-10-03T21:10:00.006+08:00

Tsk.

Tsk.

I don't get the last part.

Oh well.

AS LONG AS YOU DON'T INCITE YOUR STUPID THROAT TO ACT UP,
I can hold on.

-_-

YOU!
Make me feel like the oddest person on Earth.

Meanwhile, please inform Anemone what I should do to avoid you inciting the throat, thank you.

Once again...

Tsk.

Someone said seven days, or slightly more.

Can lah, can lah.

:(
What kind of game is this?
Super Mario is anytime better.

疑問。

2009-10-02T22:08:00.004+08:00

yao yu bat teng giu long geh yan,
hai mai ngoh zui yin zan, seng sok, yao seng yi geh si hao, ngeh jau dong jor hai siu wa neh?

kay sat, gor mun tai ngoh lum jor ho loi lah.

yan wai ngoh yat jik yi lay doh hai zao wai zui gao siu geh yan,
jo seng dai ga doh yin wai ngoh mo yin zan geh si hao.

gum...
ngoh doh yao gum qeng geh.

dong ngeh gum gok doh ngoh geh seng yi geh si hao,
ng ho hao tui, ho mo?

ngoh ng seung lay jip sao ngoh.
ngoh zi bat guo... yiu...

ngoh doh dai yiu mat, neh?

tsk.

zan hai ho gek say yan.

hay mong lah.
hay mong.

October 2009.

2009-10-02T16:38:00.005+08:00

What a dreaded month.
(Can't believe it's coming... Gulp.)

對唔住，自己。

點解每一次遇到人與人之間geh挫折就躲避呢？
一旦發現自己走得太近，就選擇避開……
發現自己太遠，又不肯再接近，願從遠邊看看看。

搞乜jek？

兩年前犯下同樣geh錯誤，都知有幾痛喇。
加埋而家大咗，應該成熟D喇！

唉。
真係好煩。

對唔住，你。
不過你應該都唔知發生咩事……（都好。）

:/

Yes, emo words in Chinese so selected few can read. Haha.

Why am I always entering the same phase over again?

Tsk.

Anyway!

“可不可以？可不可以？”
“……”

Hahahahahahaha. Who's going to answer you for that, seriously.
Stop demoralising my friends, monster!

>:|

Okay, shall not be a bitch.

JIAYOU FOR PROMOS, ANYONE WHO HAS YET TO PASS IT.

CAN CAN CAN!

And well, yes, I've slacked a lot recently, Mr.
I'll buck up now, even though it's late.

Ciao.

P.S. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
I wonder what you're thinking of.

你眉头开了所以我笑了
你眼睛红了我的天灰了

啊天晓得既然说
你快乐于是我快乐

玫瑰都开了我还想怎么呢
求之不得求不得

天造地设一样的难得
喜怒和哀乐有我来重蹈你覆彻

你头发湿了所以我热了
你觉的累了所以我睡了

啊天晓得既然说
你快乐于是我快乐

玫瑰都开了我还想怎么呢
求之不得求不得

天造地设一样的难得
喜怒和哀乐有我来重蹈你覆彻

不问为什么心安理得

天晓得既然说
你快乐于是我快乐

玫瑰都开了我还想怎么呢
求之不得求不得

天造地设一样的难得
喜怒和哀乐有我来重蹈你覆彻

Mmmhmmm.

2009-09-26T14:18:00.003+08:00

I hate counting down... But I guess I shall.

Promos are not scaring me as much as they need to. At times like these, I understand what it means by feeling stressed due to the lack of stress.

This week was tiring, very much so.
Friday summed up how I was feeling the whole time.

Dread, dread, dread, of OP and Bio test.
Anticipation for simple, short, sweet moments like having lunch with friends I feel really comfortable with, laughing at Xiao Xuan, walking to the bus-stop with Alyssa and enjoying some time with RS.

I guess life's simple moments are the best.

:)

And Nick reminds me that I ought to spend more time with D.

:(

Kinda proud of myself for not thinking about the entire "numbers" thing recently.
It has diminished, a little, if not fully.

Hmmm.
Wonder if I was thinking too much of them in the first place.

I feel like squashing my group leader's chest.
HAHAHA.

Okay, bye.

October 10 is coming soon. :/

Aiiiiiii. Concert merchandise, as usual.

I aim to get a camera bag, flash, zoom lens, macro lens, filters...
And a screen protective film. HAHA. I shall buy that first.

Hmmmms.

SET.

2009-09-20T16:48:00.002+08:00

TONIGHT IS TUTORIAL CUM BIO NIGHT.
TOMORROW IS CHEM DAY.
(PLUS ONLINE FOR A FEW MIN WITHOUT GOING ON MSN)

TUESDAY WILL BE BIO,
WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY TOO.

(A LIL BIT OF OP SCRIPT PREP ON TUESDAY NIGHT, PROBABLY REHEARSAL ON WED, HM.)

SCREW THE ASSES, HAHA.
[IF I DON'T SEE WR IN MY INBOX TOMORROW, I'M GONNA SPAM YOU, DEAR LADY.]

COME ON, MAN.

WOOTS!

Blind.

2009-09-18T17:23:00.007+08:00

Sneaky...

But hey, thanks so much for wearing pixels. :D
HAHA.

We'll cross the bridge when we come to it, by the way. :)

This week has been... Eventful, in every way possible.
I just hope I haven't been too much of an idiot to some people.

Actually burst at PW mate this morning.
I sensed a few pairs of eyes staring at me, hmms.

Who asked him to cast such a casual remark anyway?
Oh well.

(I still can't stop laughing when I think of Shir's cheese-stained hair. Thank goodness she never comes to my blog.)

My favourite photo. :)

Mel's least favourite photo. :D

So shuai!

Woops.

Bear in jacket in library!

Pad Ma.

Still pretty childish, eh?

(I refused to do Chem tutorial over the hols and died trying this week.)

Hiak hiak hiak. Shan and Cheng just had to sit there.

:)

Less stalking from now on though. I'm tame. :)
Woots.

How did the blister on my right toe come about?

Yes, I'm in a strange mood today.

You. :)

2009-09-17T23:05:00.002+08:00

Hmm.
What shall I say?

I've said pretty much already, not sure if any of it is redundant.

Well,
we're here.

:)

And I'm sure everyone cares, though some may fail to express it,
so I hope you know this too.

:)

Using hocc's slogan,
"We Stand As One" yeah?

And,
I don't know if this is appropriate,
but I'm glad I'm given a chance to be your barnacle, haha.

You rock, much!

:)

Odd.

2009-09-14T18:39:00.002+08:00

I like that word now.
Odd.
Odd.
Odd.

Haha.

Random crap.

I odd to study now! Tata.

And...
Even though it's kind of weird, for me, at times,
I still feel like the happiest person in the room.

All because-

I feel like... Sleeping.

Dreamt of Mrs C Tan last night. I was waiting for her in a restaurant eagerly, and after a few hours, she still didn't turn up.
But I was contented all the same, because I knew I was waiting for her.

(She is, after all, the first person I respect and admire much, though it has been... Seven years since she was a daily influence.)

All because-

Well.
This is all that matters!

:)

Happy life.
AND TONIGHT... I SHALL... STUDY BIO, DO A LIL OF CHEM AND LOTS OF MATH.

Balance. Kind of.

I think I was a bit high today.
Maybe it's good, but I thought I was overdoing it.

Ommmmm.
Tomorrow I shall be lower.

Leave It.

2009-09-13T22:57:00.000+08:00

Alright?

Enough being said.
More than enough.

One, two, three, four, five.

It'll keep running.
And I'm not even following them.

So.

Yeah.

One thing I really appreciate now is the understanding from some people.
Friends, I call them.

And.
Monday's tomorrow! :)
I refuse to say the other way round.

Promos in... Four weeks!
Go, man.

Alright, I shall leave this place.

Zzzz, people. Take care.

Maths tutorial tonight! :D CHIONG AH!

P.S. hocc was so... Hyper. :D

"Distraught".

2009-09-11T16:02:00.000+08:00

ARGHHHHHHHH.

MATH NOT ENTERING HEAD.
CHEM NOT MAKING SENSE.
BIO NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
ECONS FAR FAR AWAY.

OMG.

GO DIE GO DIE GO DIE.
Stupid throat.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Haha, I got 1/5 for Matrix quiz.

Zzzz.

Okay.
Chemistry for the rest of today.
Biology tomorrow.
Economics on Sunday.
(And math along the way.)

Stupid me for slacking so much. ^$%%.

Oh and.

I think I keep breaking promises.
Not the ones I make to other people, but the ones I make to myself.

So, I shall try to stop doing that.
Gotta keep up to my expectations too, sigh.

I'm seriously far behind...
A laughing stock if I fail promos.

Tsk tsk.

Come on, now.

Last Post, Really. (Edited)

2009-09-06T11:17:00.009+08:00

Days have been black and white.

Having an extremely good day, then falling sick.
Feeling emo, then realising hocc is still live on ustream.

In, then out.

So yes,
pros and cons,
good and bad.

It's life.

I want to focus less on numbers now, but now I find it hard to, especially since I've reached the point whereby I'm imagining too much . I'll try, really, there must be a way.

Abstain, abstain.

I shall go off in a bit.

September holidays should be made useful.
I'll study hard with Padma on Monday - looking forward too :))

And you.
You.
And you.

Forgotten for now, I hope.

It should not affect me.
Those are your lives you three are leading.

OFF, MAN.

If I appear emo/quiet/god-knows-what on Monday, ignore me.
Treat it that... My sore throat is weakening me or something, and that I'm too exhausted to speak.

I think too much... Yes I do.
When wifey asked the other day whether I've truly given up One, as in "Really, really?" I had to hesitate. That was so annoying.

But now, I will just say yes, I've given up one.
Yes, I'm giving up two.
And yes, I'm not going to make three a permanence in my life.

I hate my feelings a lot, so much.
Each time it seems simple enough, I've to do this to myself.

On a random note, Alyssa's one of the sweetest friends you can ever have.
Waving goodbye, she shouted out, "Happy, okay? :)"
Yes, I won't be gloomy anymore - I know it affects you when I do that, and so I shall not. :)

And Padma and Mel - you're always the receiving end of me going on and on about minute matters. *hugs*

XX - please don't mind my blank answers whenever you ask me why I'm emo.
I'm so sorry for never saying.

I need to do some serious cleaning-up of my life.

Amithabha... Zzzzzzz.

Move on.

P.S. WATCHING HOCC LIVE YESTERDAY WAS THE BEST THING I COULD EVER ASK FOR. AND SINCE IT'S A WEEKLY THING, OH MY GOSH, I LOVE YOU, GIRL.
THANK YOU FOR THE HOUR, FOR ALLOWING YOUR INTERNATIONAL FANS TO KNOW YOU.
THANK YOU FOR THE HEART.

I don't know what to say to you anymore... :(
Don't say stuffs you don't mean. Don't do stuffs you don't normally do.

Heck it, as I always say.

Cheryl - haha, random, I know.
Sorry for not spending much time with you, I hope you don't mind it. Stop poking into my "private" life though, I won't share, only because I don't know how to even express it in words.

願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你願我可以學會放底你......

Well...

2009-09-03T00:54:00.002+08:00

I said that the previous entry would be my last till promos.
Well, make this the final.

Today, something happened.
Quite major to me and the person involved,
but the ones I confided in laughed it off initially.

"It's nothing much, it'll be alright."

I know where I went wrong and I felt like the worst person on Earth.
I betrayed whatever trust a person had in me. And what's more, recently I've really begun to admire her personality, and in some sense, established a friendship with her.

There's no use explaining myself, and saying sorry ten times won't make a difference.
So I should... Leave it like that. And see how it goes?

I don't think that I'll be forgiven so easily, and whatever is still being said just doesn't make sense to me anymore. I want to tear myself away from this mess. Why did I even begin?

Today was more confusing than anything.

The previous time I had a conflict with a friend I really love was probably back in lower secondary, when Wifey and I had a little cold war. But it cleared up soon after, we got back together, possibly closer than before. The warmth of being in a firm friendship didn't fade.

I feel so thankful for her.
And damn it, I've yet to confide all my soul in you, Wifey.
I need to meet you soon, very soon.

And when I met you with D today, I felt the envy return.
You're my number one, no doubt. And I wonder if I found Two and Three to spite myself.
I know I've given you up though. So, goodbye.

Each time,
I find myself diving into a deeper pool.

DO I EVEN MAKE SENSE IN THIS POST?

1.04am.

Screw PW and my life.

Aa...

2009-08-27T19:28:00.003+08:00

This week is worse than horrendous.

Had such an urge to message Snail this morning, but stopped myself from doing so... Only because I knew that the day would turn out sucky anyway (it did) and letting her know that wouldn't really make her happy, huh? I miss you though, and I know you're here, as always.

Oh. I SAW A DAMN CUTE BABY SNAIL TODAY.
You would probably like it, even. :X

It's Thursday,
but somehow I feel like there's no difference in any day of the week, anymore.
In the past, it used to be Moody Monday, Wonderful Wednesday, Freaky Friday, Superb Saturday, Stay-home Sunday...
Now, every day is just... Fart.

Trudging on with no aim in life, I guess.

Tennis this afternoon was alright.
It reminded me of Sec One.

Yes, I learnt tennis, even though I'm probably already labelled a Infocomm-Club-slacker.
The sport was/is not something I was/am good at.

What struck me today... Bad memories, I suppose.

Of all the lonely times I spent pretty much alone, with a racquet which didn't fit my hand.
Observing all the people around me - all beautiful, young, tanned girls, who had their chins up in the air.

Tennis seems to be a rich man sport.

Anyway, what I relished most today was bouncing the furry ball, seeing the yellow glow even in the bright. I guess there was enjoyment in all the solitude I faced in those days.

You know what?
I like you, haha, just not in that way.

I don't like you like I did for One and and do for Two. I don't smile in the same way facing you, though recently, I do notice you more than anything.

It isn't as deep, as pleasant, as serious, as painful.
Maybe that's the difference, I don't know.

One thing I'm sure of is that I admire you a lot.
So while you're not my Three or anything, I just think you are more than what people think of you.

:)

I'LL BE AWAY FROM THIS BLOG...
JC LIFE IS CRAP (and I know poly is too, so well, wouldn't have mattered which choice I made).

I AM DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF SO I SHALL CHANGE.
NO MORE LAST MINUTE RUSHING OF TUTORIALS AND STUFFS. (I've got math due tomorrow, sigh.)

TODAY WILL BE THE LAST POST... TILL MID-OCTOBER, I SUPPOSE.

AND NOW,
I SHALL PROCLAIM MY LOVE.

I LOVE YOU, MOSSP, FOR BEING SUCH AN AWESOME BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T CHANGE AS DRASTICALLY AS THE WORLD AROUND US. I LOVE YOU, MOSSPIANS, EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU, FOR HOLDING ON TO THIS FRIENDSHIP.

I APPRECIATE YOU, THE6OFUS. THOUGH WE MAY NOT MEET UP AS FREQUENT AS WE SAID WE WOULD, BUT THIS HAS LASTED FOR FOUR YEARS, AND I KNOW WE WON'T FORGET ONE ANOTHER.

I WAS ABOUT TO TYPE PADMA AND SHE JUST CAME ONLINE -.-
SORRY, AND THANK YOU, FOR EVERYTHING. YEAH... I HOPE I CAN LEAVE OUT THE SORRY MORE OFTEN BUT I SUCK SO, I'M SORRY, HAHA.

XIAO XUAN. WHEN I'M PISSED, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME.
YOU'RE AN AWESOME FRIEND.

THANK YOU JANICE, JASMINE, ALYSSA, MY LOVELY THREE ANGELS - RUI SHAN, BEE CHENG, SHIR LIN, HUI YI, JUNIPER.
FOR AT LEAST BEING THERE WHEN I NEED SOMEONE TO SMILE TO... I KNOW IT FREAKS YOU GIRLS OUT.

AND TO 17/09, SOMEHOW, FOR BEING SUCH AN ODD, NOT-SO-BONDED CLASS WHICH IS YET QUITE HARMONIOUS IN SOME WAY. YOU GUYS ARE WEIRD, BUT I LIKE!

WHO ELSE AH?

UH.

I LOVE YOU, HOCC, FOR BEING SUCH AN AMAZING INFLUENCE IN MY LIFE,
FOR THE MUSIC AND LOVE YOU'VE SHARED.
HOPE YOU REALLY COME TO SINGAGOO SOON LAH.

AND...

THAT'S ALL I GUESS.
BYE FOR NOW.

P.S. I can't wait to fall ill after promos.
Hahahahahahahahaha.

Over, and Over.

2009-08-23T12:35:00.000+08:00

I've been listening to Serena Ryder for about a week now, playing the song in my head repeatedly.
Don't know why.

I hope to find her album in Singapore soon.
Somehow I can tolerate her rather nasal voice, heee. She's got talent, so well, I like that.
And her songs are rather... Addictive.

Well.
Sigh.
What else should I say?

I hate AV duty, so I hope it's photog duty for Staff Day! (So I can snap pictures of the lovely choir girls.)

Bio SPA was alright, Chem SPA better be alright.
And, and... Econs essay must be alright.

I should get going. Blah.

The feeling is rising, dipping, hitting me everywhere, yet letting me fall.
Why?

I don't know, and I don't care, as usual.

I WANT SLEEP.

Moooday.

2009-08-18T23:15:00.003+08:00

Today was an awful day.

Nothing happened, nothing.
But people asked me a few questions and I got pissed so easily.

They responded to my anger in an odd way.

Aly and Jas did so by being such a lovely pair. :)
They waited for me when I walked slowly away from the bunch. Aly asked the usual, "Why are you pissed?" Then they made me laugh, with just some silly antics.

Pong was there, asking, being such a comfort, knowing that something in me was struggling to come out and shout at the world. Thank you for not fearing my anger.

At that point, I really wondered if the people I love (actually, only two) only dare to be near me when I'm trying to brighten their day, when I am a harmless and pleasing creature, one void of all anger and anything unpleasant.

Suddenly I miss the ease we could show our anger back in the old days, when being angry didn't make you hated by the others, when it was simply, just an emotion.

I really missed MOSSP because we wouldn't really judge because of a few moments of "black face" or "scary silence" or shun from one another because she's-pissed-what-a-bitch.

I miss people who would sit there, without asking or saying, knowing silently.

Thank you boo for tolerating my nonsense - I realised you are such a kind and not-judgemental person today, especially since I was using so much more vulgarities before than now ;) Though I would never aim them at you and special people, and you knew that.

P.S. I suddenly think that my One is such a lovely person. Actually, perhaps we understood each other equally, just that to One, it was just a friendship.

Well.

2009-08-17T22:44:00.000+08:00

I expected today to be horrid.

Mainly because it was set out to be, as all weekdays are.

Visited TKGS with Chloe to interview Mr Peh for PW. All I can say is that he's totally the best biology teacher because he teaches with his heart and truly aims to enrich student's knowledge... Unlike someone.

I can't stand Monster. ROAR.

But yeah. TKGS hasn't changed, much. Almost the same old dirty fish tanks along the walkway, just that the poor fish have all died. They removed the whole stretch of flowers near the petrol station between the classroom block and the circular building as they died awhile back. Mdm Khoo still patrols the school, looking out for loose belts and fake name tags, and said to me, "How's Mrs Loke?"

Uncle Dolah is the same, smiling and speaking in such a cute manner that I don't really care what he is saying. The netball girls train hard and pollute the air with their deodorant - as Chloe described, "I have never smelt this before." The prefects gather outside the same room, with the same decorated feedback box right outside.

I miss the school, but I miss the people more. Besides, I reached TKGS at 4.30pm today... My favourite Chan, Loy and Liew were gone by then.

Soon, soon.

I love you, green.
And I think I like you but not that way but I think I like you.

Coke.

2009-08-16T15:11:00.000+08:00

I prefer his first album's songs :)

PONG NAN. That's his nickname, hahaha ;)

WOW.

2009-08-16T12:11:00.001+08:00

:) and :(.

But hocc, you're awesome. :D

Pong.

2009-08-15T14:49:00.000+08:00

Hey babe.

Sorry if I haven't been an understanding friend.
(Is this sudden? Haha.)

I think I've said that to a lot of people since kindergarten. That's really a part of me I really hate - my insensitivity.
Being so preoccupied over One and now Two, hardly caring about others who are beside me.

I know you're here for me, and I feel bad because it seems like I've always been trying to be there for Two, leaving you out.
You're equally important too, yeah?

And when I say silly stuffs like "cheer up", I know it doesn't help internally, but I don't know what else to say.
My ears are here for you anyway.

Okay, gotta go.
YOU STAY COOL AND BONKEY.

Cheerios.

What Am I Doing?

2009-08-14T18:13:00.005+08:00

Would you mind if I pretended we were somewhere else
Doin' something we wanted to?
Cause all this livin' makes me wanna do
Is die 'cause I can't live with you
And you don't even care.

Would you mind if I pretended I was someone else
With courage in love and war?
I used to think that's what I was
But now this lyin' hurts too much
And I don't know what for

I'm weak in the knees for you
But I'll stand if you want me to
My legs are strong and I move on
But honey I'm weak in the knees...

Would you mind if I walked over and I kissed your face
In front of all of your friends?
Would you mind if I got drunk and said
I wanna take you home to bed
Oh, would you change your mind?

I'm weak in the knees for you
But I'll stand if you want me to
My legs are strong and I move on
But honey I'm weak in the knees
For you

:(

Oh man.
But oh well.

Come on, leaf. You have to freaking get pass these two years.

*sigh* At the end of it, it would be the same, wouldn't it?
I wish I would change (in this aspect) or something would change.

Each time, I hope I'm guessing you correctly. I think I'm starting to get you too. :)
And I should be contented with this.

But no, I wish and wish and wish it could be something more.
What more?

Stupid leaf.

ARGH POOI!
Focus on horrible WR, EOM, SPA and tutorial. You laidback freak of nature.

I nearly wanted to, but I shouldn't/couldn't/mustn't.

STOP! Listen to your mind, git!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHASHITHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I'm glad friends who read this blog don't already think I'm nuts.

As Usual.

2009-08-13T21:11:00.000+08:00

I find that it hurts...

But then I can't smile without you.
So I shall bear this till it blows over, like it did for One...
Till it no longer seems to have a string attached.

:)

Have nice days.

:)

Happ.

2009-08-10T12:24:00.000+08:00

新玩具新玩具。
雖然只係從450D upgrade到500D，而且影出黎分別都唔算係太大，
但係我都其實只係貪佢個拍HD片工能，哈哈。
而且與其用好貴價錢買部機，不如留返黎買鏡頭。
反正我又唔係要用黎幫人影professional相。

I feel like she's answering my questions I posed to her on Twitter.

And small matters like these make me so darn happy.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

hocc (:

Oh I realised I still like Jerry Yan, bwahaha.
He's the only Taiwanese pop idol with long hair whom I like despite the "sissyness".

Yeah.

That's it for today.

Anyway, what I wish to say is that what I blog tend to be on the emo side. Some may be reflective of what I feel at the moment, but mostly, it's a lot of venting.

So I may always regret what was previously posted...

Sigh.

Let's just not see each other for months.

(See? I don't mean that.)

Choice.

2009-08-08T00:11:00.000+08:00

I'm starting to enjoy Economics, in an odd sense.

But yes, main problem is always about choice.

I think I choose not to like you anymore.
Don't know why.
The feeling has shifted so quickly, in such a short period of time.

It's good, perhaps.
I really need to concentrate on other matters.

As for all the frustrations I've been facing, I'll try to resolve them whenever I can.

Seriously, which of us should apologise?

:/

2009-08-05T15:04:00.000+08:00

Your words make more sense than any others.

Ah well.

I Don't Get It.

2009-08-03T18:07:00.004+08:00

You buy something, something I told you I wouldn't like.
You assume I like it.
You think I will use it.

But no.

I'm not going to put it on.
It doesn't suit me.
I don't like it.

So I wasn't pleased.

And you got pissed.
You said I don't appreciate what you've done for me.

Maybe.

I would if you could take a little time to see what I want and what I really need.

A little understanding, patience and less of this I-understand-you-because-I-gave-birth-to-you mentality.
Then you would see me better.

I told you.

I just had the urge to laugh.

leaf says:
"mochi says: reuben.
urmmm not veh sure ehh.
but should be when all the classes finish
then they retest together
can ask tmrm"

Shirlin. says:
"lol why reuben call himself?"

leaf says:
"haha, nah, i typed that there luh =X"

Shirlin. says:
"shirlin."

leaf says:
"LOL."

Shirlin. says:
"oh chea-.-"

Hahahahahaha, damn cute, that girl.

Sighhh...

2009-07-31T17:29:00.009+08:00

點解D眼淚不斷流呢。

I don't know what to say except that I feel I'm losing everyone around me.

From old friends to new friends to random people I thought I could rely on.
They back away and leave me falling, into some bottomless non-existent pit.

Fine...
Get awayyyyy, and don't bother turning back and looking sad because I won't let the pain in me show through tears.

I need to spare some time to write to Crayon :(
She seems to make things seem a million times less complex.

I love you so much, teacher. You really provide me more support than you ever thought you have been trying to.

:''''(

Why do this to me.

Anyway, my ~~girlfriend's brother~~ brother's girlfriend (I should really stop saying it wrongly) called from a Cambodia trip last night. She sounded really frantic and all because apparently she thought my brother had decided to ditch her by not replying her SMS and calls.

Turns out that the reception there was bad so she couldn't receive all those lovey-dovey SMS he typed every night.
I found it pretty cute, haha, because she's quite a blur girl, actually.

Matters of the heart. It's either :D or :'( huh.

I don't want to :D every minute and :'( for hours,
just like years back.

Actually, One was so much easier to like...

Announcement.

2009-07-30T22:52:00.002+08:00

On the online school portal.

Dear scholars who are living in Dunman Hostel, pls be reminded (remind your friends too) to check your seats before you alight the bus every morning.
TAN WAN SAN (Ms) @ 2009-07-30 09:39:00

Kept laughing at funny (and really friendly) Ms Tan - I'm still surprised she gets herself to know students' names.

:)

Hmmm.

This is such a bad week anyway.

I think I like you? In such an odd way?
More than I did? Yet somehow less deep?

Eh?

2009-07-29T18:37:00.000+08:00

I've got a wicked feeling that things have changed, that you have changed, that we have changed.

Please, don't let this happen.
You're like the guarantee to the past. Don't fade away, please?

And hey you.
Sorry for not adhering to my promise - the one I stated nearly four months back.

Sorry for not being around and doing enough.
Sorry for thinking that the problems lie with you.
Sorry for not seeing what you've done.

Thank you too, for trying to be here for me.

Crying on the bus every evening is not a good eye deer.

Internship seems nice.

Tearful.

2009-07-27T17:29:00.003+08:00

Is there such a word?
It would describe my day very well.

Yes, not cheerful, but tearful.

Thank goodness I didn't go for remedial lessons, else I would be majorly depressed and sob on Ms L's shoulder.
As for why, I don't know.

Maybe you, you and you?
How I suck at interpersonal relationships.

I can't stand it, giving my all but achieving so freaking little.
And deep inside, wondering if I've even tried hard enough.

There's you, whom I've gotten over, of course.
I don't get how I used to do so much, but you hardly cared at all.
I can't help but notice the distracted smile you give whenever I spot you from afar and wave. Then I thought maybe I shouldn't bother keeping you within my frame of view like in the past, and all of a sudden you come tapping on my shoulder to say hi.

And you, the friend I probably cherished most in the four years in secondary school.
I did my best trying to bridge any gap between us, and you forgo them. I really thought you had forgotten all about me. Just when I assumed you could remain a past, you bring up some of the memories which I clearly still remember.

What about you?
Where do I begin?

The times when you said sorry for superficial matters but refused to look at me when I need the assurance?
The moments you refuse to accept what I have to say, leaving me nodding to you?
The days I have to walk away to get your attention else you wouldn't even notice my presence?

I shouldn't say all this huh.
I should be used to this by now huh.

Oh well.

2.4km tomorrow. I'll run for you, hocc :D

To two of my beloved friends who were in the same class as me for four years in TKG, I miss you like crazy.
Thanks for the warmth both of you always give me.

Wifey - I dreamt of you last night! :D

Ummm.

2009-07-23T22:09:00.001+08:00

Blogger is very screwed up now, first time it's treating me like this too.

Anyway, had such a dreadful feeling today.
Thank gooness I had you. :|

Yan asked me today if I still missed TKG.
Somehow I didn't have the the urge to shout back, "yeah!" like I would last month.

There's this slow acceptance I guess.

Initially, we feared change and a new surrounding...
But if we were to return to TKG now, I'm sure it would be too much of a difference to feel the same.

I miss the people loads though, especially the feeling of being in a classroom and sitting next to people you can 100% confide in.

I hope you're fine, woman on my right. Give me a call when you feel like it too, I'm free for you always. :)

Same, Old.

2009-07-19T12:39:00.002+08:00

:|

Was. Is.
I can't tell the difference anymore.

I don't want this to go any deeper. That's because I have a feeling you'll forget me in say, five years. We would meet, hi/bye then go speechless.

If you jump, let me follow
Whether the water's cold or warm, I have no fear
At least in the end, we would have gone through this
Together
I'll synchronise our bodies to create a rhythm
For the world to envy
Our every motion in unison
Will light up the lives of pessimists

At the same moment, we leap into the sky
At the same moment, we dive into the water
Which couple can move at different paces yet still be a pair?
If you can't jump, I'll stay here
In the pool, with you

I remember once writing the full lyrics for someone, who probably didn't know what I was getting at.
Anyway, maybe I shall just enjoy this synchrony and not worry whether we'll be at the same position in future. I won't do anymore wrong, I hope.

Fried.

2009-07-17T21:55:00.002+08:00

1. I survived with ten test tubes today for mock SPA exam, when everyone else used fifteen.
2. Someone tried to help me carry test tube boxes and somehow made me drop mine.
3. Someone squirted water at my face the day before.
4. The someone in the past two sentences is the same person.
5. I am pretending not to forgive this person even though I've been increasingly bullied by her.

Haha.

Friday blues again.
I feel very useless.

In the past, I got used to walking in parallel directions with One. We would walk on and on, never meeting at a particular point. Yet, I was contented merely because we could keep going forward without losing sight of each other... Or rather, at least I knew deep inside that the route would be less tiring because I could catch a glimpse whenever I wanted to.

Now, I find my back facing Two's. Left and right, a separation which splits us up. In order to find you, I would have to walk around the entire globe, just to see your face again. I don't know if I should do that.

But then, it's just me thinking too much.
So... I shall stop behaving like a complete idiot.

Yes.

Argh well. Too used to being one.

Mmmhmm.

2009-07-16T17:46:00.003+08:00

I don't know how to feel anymore.

You tried to teach me today. It left me feeling strange.
As though there is a rightful way, and I'm doing it all wrong.

Why though?

Gah. It's so complex the way it seems to me.

As I always say,
I wanna be a monk.

Abstain from emotions because they're the root of evil and confusion.
Though... I wonder if love ought to be kind.

:(

:(

:(

If this goes on any longer, I'll be on a rollercoaster ride for the next two years simply because of what you often say... And your ideas are always so damn different from mine.

Will you please stop making me nod my head simply because I refuse to debate with you?

Mmmmm.

2009-07-14T20:53:00.004+08:00

:)

I feel so happy, somehow.

Maybe like what Bonkey aka Pong Pong said, everything's fine and all.
So there's no reason to feel down.

Quite true.

But I feel like I've been neglecting another side of me.
There's a price for everything, no?

:/

I'm with you.

I'll give my all, and not let you fall.
I've nothing much to give, just this and that.

Hope it's to be alright.
I'll keep this small and easy as it is now.

I ought to be saving PW from the mess it's in.
Bye.

Bloos.

2009-07-12T12:17:00.003+08:00

People get Monday blues.
I get Friday blues.

Perhaps,
I tolerate so much from Monday to Thursday, all the misery and shit.

When it reaches the end of the week, I snap,
then use the weekend to heal my wound.

And be back again.

:)

You know what?
Somehow I like the following song.

The voice is alright, and I like the melody.

可不可以愛我　
作詞：陳穎見　作曲：陳穎見　編曲：劉文仁

為什麼如此的安靜
為什麼明明想靠近　卻還在遲疑
努力的我保持鎮定　努力開拓話題　
最後卻潰不成軍

為什麼如此的美麗
深刻的烙在心裏　最溫柔的酷刑
每一天無法不想你　
連閉上眼睛　怎麼都是你

你可不可以愛我　可不可以想我
雖然我對自己沒有一點的把握　
別害怕我難過　告訴我你真實的感受
至少忐忑已告一段落　

你可不可以愛我　可不可以看我
反正看或不看　我依然失魂落魄
成全不是美德　
拒絕也不是一種罪過　
你能給我　
快樂還是寂寞

想念燃燒個不停　
我快置身灰燼　
你是我的呼吸　

你可不可以愛我　可不可以想我
雖然我對自己沒有一點的把握　
別害怕我難過　
告訴我你真實的感受　
至少忐忑已告一段落　

你可不可以愛我　
可不可以看我　
反正看或不看　
我依然失魂落魄　
成全不是美德　
拒絕也不是一種罪過　
你能給我　能給我什麼　
快樂還是寂寞

You're someone who can make me go, "mmm".
I think only certain few can do that. ;)

P.S. MEL! HAHAHA, OH MY, HE IS COMING. I FEEL DAMN HIGH FOR YOU :D
I THINK SHE IS COMING TOO, BUT THAT LADY HAS BEEN PUSHING BACK THE PRODUCTION OF HER MANDARIN ALBUM :D

I. Am.

2009-07-10T23:16:00.002+08:00

Officially. Pissed.

By you, and sometimes you, even though I like you so... Oh, and you, because I knew that you couldn't be trusted again but yet, you broke whatever little faith I had in you.

Pissed.

But no, I'm still in a... Floating mood.
Why have I been in such a "good" mood recently anyway?

A lack of water, perhaps. I feel dehydrated.

I miss some people so much now.
Thank you, Serene, simply for your smile, and not knowing that you make so much difference.

Am sick of facing these people who only see themselves in distress and neglect everyone else.

Freak life.
And I shall abstain from vulgarities since you dislike it.

I HATE LIKING PERFECT PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND NOW, YOU.

Argh.
I wanna return to the past.

And I think I'm crazy talking to myself like this.

I like you. It feels normal. It feels healthy. It feels nothing more than a like.
But then I do things for you, like I never should.

Yet, it seems so little, so insignificant.

I'll be a nun on my eighteenth birthday.

Meow.

2009-07-05T12:39:00.001+08:00

I want a dog.

Beet.

2009-07-03T23:36:00.002+08:00

Their story... It's really confusing.

Mine?

I don't know, really.
Just that, I can do anything, or everything.

It feels stranger than I thought it would be.
Almost as if somehow, I feel the must to do all I can, more than what I did for one.

Blogging... Used to be a way to type out all of my feelings, not only personal ones but general views about life.
This year changed it all.

:/

Mannnn. I wanna say the three-word phrase.

Argh.

2009-06-28T17:42:00.006+08:00

Feeling damn stressed now!

>:|

ARGHHHHHHHH.
And when I'm stressed, I think about stuffs, like PW, which makes me more stressed.

ARGHHHHHHHH.
And when I'm more stressed, I play Tetris on my mobile and drop the bricks down so fast that it gives me a headache, which makes me depressed.

ARGHHHHHHHH.
And I feel like dying, until I see some scribblings which remind me of you.

So I think of you for a while, and it feels so much better.
I wish you know... But I would rather you never know.

Just read Joyce's blog and didn't know whether to feel sad or laugh.

She was describing MOSSPians during exam period and what we usually do - "people will get milo/muah chee/normal and some of us will just sit there with a hopeless expression on our faces."

:)

It so happened that I was thinking of MOSSP too this morning, because I truly don't know how to survive next week. Seems like everyone will be burying their faces in notes and only caring about grades.

That scares me a lot because back in those days, most of the time, before and after every paper, we gave one another comforting smiles, words and hugs. Whenever we started comparing answers, Jesslyn will scare us and we'll stop, hehehe.

Now, it's too much of silent competition.

>:|

Urgh.

Urgh.

Come on, survive this.

I Don't Read Ouran.

2009-06-27T12:27:00.003+08:00

But I like this.

From Rui Shan's blog.

:)

Date.

2009-06-27T12:21:00.002+08:00

舊約 - 何韻詩

作曲: 陳奐仁for the invisible men/ 何秉舜@goomusic
填詞: 黃偉文
編曲: 陳奐仁for the invisible men/ 何秉舜@goomusic
監製: 陳奐仁for the invisible men/ 何秉舜@goomusic/hocc@goomusic

任何險阻也不阻我約會你
即使摧毁天與地
突然身體髮膚充滿着猛烈潛能
危急時間有力氣

尋常的我從來無一點傳奇
何解今天會飛都只因你起

捱一顆子彈一波海嘯兩場地震
約會約好鐵鞋踏碎都撐下去
攔一輛坦克一支火箭百人換上武裝也無懼
誰為約定能這麼飽經風雨又行雷
朝你身影走過去
誰要阻止不要去我亦去

臨危想你平凡人基因突然
會激發絕技
夷平圍牆千里還擒拿幾艘戰機
凌空轉體八週再着地~

捱一顆子彈一波海嘯兩場地震
約會約好鐵鞋踏碎都撐下去
攔一輛坦克一支火箭百人換上武裝也無懼
誰為約定能這麼飽經風雨又行雷
忘我演出壯舉

來一束死光一天飛劍兩輪疫症
要是我知你還赴約怎會後退
練一尊金身一雙天眼滿懷熱血再險也無懼
純為証實人世間生死之約尚留傳
像鉄金剛衝過去
誠心和你約會去

准我舉起五噸的吊臂為你
清出青葱一片地

:D :D :D :D :D

Can't wait to hear her new song.

HOCC HOCC HOCC HOCC.

:D :D :D :D :D

Back to it in two days.
I'll... :)

You. Me.

2009-06-25T16:56:00.002+08:00

I hate the gap between the rich and the poor.

It was much apparent in my primary school. Somehow, that place was filled with rich kids who were chauffeured to school in their white Merc and had maids carrying their school bags for them to the side gates.

They formed cliques even at the young age of ten, and despised those whose parents didn't own a firm. To them, my three-room flat was "so small and so cute" just like their bedrooms.

Not all of them were like that, but most.

It instilled this odd sense in me.
Not inferiority complex, but this disgust for status and ranks.

Wak.

2009-06-25T16:43:00.004+08:00

I'm so sick of doing all this shit.

Having so much to say, but reaching this page and not knowing how to type it all out without being judged. Yes, I have a fear of judgemental people, even myself.

I hate myself, I really do.

All I want is to return to normality but you behave as though there's something wrong with that. So I straighten up and distance myself, but that only worsens things.

What do you want, really?

This is between you and me, and there's something serious and destructible going on here, but am I the only one feeling this way? Why am I trying to mend this when you can easily find someone else to make you smile?

Ahhhh?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH?

Damn it, why does it have to be me? Why does it have to be you?

I want to shut up and die.
But before that, let's revise a little chemistry.
Life's so meaningless, shit it.

THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME TODAY.

AHHHH.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I'm so going to watch Whose Line Is It Anyway and then The Nanny to cheer myself up.

All I want is to sit comfortably by your side.
Why fling me away like I'm a used piece of tissue?

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Hey, friend, you know who you are.
I can't believe you will be stuck at home for the whole of next week. D:
I don't know what I'll do without you.

Blog.

2009-06-23T11:19:00.002+08:00

Don't feel like keeping this place alive anymore.

D8

Facebook and Twitter... That's all I guess.
Enough to stalk hocc and P!nk, whom I realised is on Twitter too. :D

Cool.

Maybe a photo blog when I'm free to bring the camera out and get shots.
(Sorry for leaving you in the dry cabinet.)

Dreamt of you last night, again.
You called, I answered. We make awesome friends, don't we?

Your voice really matters...
But I get this feeling that I won't hear much of it directed to me.

I dreamt of hocc the night before, giving me a private performance. :D
Ahhhhhhh. :D

I've quite a lot to say about life now, actually. About junior colleges versus secondary schools, how the people differ so much when we are still the same inside.

It's just that... I'm too sick of trying.
To be the same, or different, I'm not sure.

Credits to marchingstars.

Sometimes we all judge one by the exterior.
Actually, beneath it is someone different.

I feel that she's like that. She may have been involved in scandals and has tattoos and piercings, things we associate with the naughty side, but deep down, she's probably cleaner than the rest of showbiz.

Darny.

2009-06-20T21:40:00.003+08:00

I found this damn funny.

hoccgoomusic: 點解點解點解，點解你地甘多問題呢點解呢。
8:35 PM Jun 19th from twhirl

"Why why why, why do you all have so many questions neh, why neh."

:)

Anyway, just purchased this set of Logitech speakers for roughly eight bucks.
Oooh, they're pretty good. At least my hocc sounds normal now.

:)

Oh my.

Bio bio bio.

Enough's Enough.

2009-06-19T11:52:00.005+08:00

I really wish I could write poems or lyrics to express how I feel, haha.
This sucks.

What am I doing?!

&%^.

Back to Maths.

Stop appearing in my dreams, will you?

Oh! I know!

I shall bring the camera out to shoot random stuffs soon.

Yay, I'm still alive inside. :)
Haven't cried for weeks, perhaps months. I thought my heart was frozen.

This song warmed it up, thank goodness.

:)

Words.

2009-06-18T18:30:00.000+08:00

Two.

Why do I pledge to give you up,
then hold you so tightly in my dreams?

Reread my Secondary Three and Four school diaries last night. It brought back a little pain, more than it should.

All the things I gave but were never reciprocated, I accept... But two years of holding on and giving up - it's a phase I don't wish to go through again, a phase I don't wish to put you through.

One, I know I've let you go.
Two, I know I should let you go.

Remember the umbrella incident? The one which I gleefully blogged about and have you reading it? I swore not to throw the umbrella away despite all the dirt on it. Yet now, I don't even recall how it looked like.

Do I give up so easily? Maybe.

Mel.

Flipping through my Reflections also brought me to this page, haha...
I remember you saying my drawing sucks. :P

Awesome days in the classroom. I'm surprised you never kick me off the fourth floor whenever I dazed out of the door and sprouted too much nonsense.
I miss you on my right too, yeah.

Roar.

2009-06-16T16:51:00.001+08:00

Shall not switch on this computer for the rest of the week unless PW says so.

I swear, I swear, I swear.

:)

One, two.

Past.

2009-06-15T14:32:00.006+08:00

Was studying my Theory of Costs five minutes ago, daydreaming as usual.
And the memory of this particular day rushed into my mind.

Bhavika, Khushboo, Neusha, Syahirah and I were shooting this film called The Separation for History PBA project at Wifey's house in Secondary Two. Even though problems cropped up throughout, it was pretty enjoyable.

:)

I STILL HAVE THE SCRIPT. LOL.
AND REMEMBER THE CASTING? LOL².

PHUA BEE ENG – A lady whose husband got caught by the Japanese.

LOH AH SENG – Bee Eng’s husband. He was framed by his worker and got locked up and tortured by the Japanese.

TAKAHIRO –One of the evil Japanese soldiers who ill-treated the prisoners.

MASAKOTO – Another evil Japanese soldier who assists Takahiro in torturing the poor prisoners.

ALI – A worker who betrayed his boss, Ah Seng.

MARY – The daughter of Bee Eng and the mother of Sarah.

SARAH – The granddaughter of Bee Eng. She found her grandmother’s diary as she was spring-cleaning her house and read it.

What I remembered most was us getting hungry by the end of the day. Wifey called the Pizza Hut hotline and we started waiting for the receptionist to pick up the call. Then somehow Wifey started being busy doing something and I ended up listening to the stupid melody being played on the phone.

"Eh, Bhavika this is taking damn long. Wa lao. Shut up lah, haha..."

"Good afternoon, this is Pizza Hut..."

"Huh?"

"Good afternoon, this is..."

"AGNES! WE GOT THROUGH THE LINE!"

Then I threw the phone at Wifey who was laughing hysterically and it turned out that the receptionist was giggling like mad too.

We managed to get our Hawaiian Pizza in the end.

:)

Yeah.

I really miss days like those.

Maybe I finally understand what Padma means by "TJ's really different from Crescent." Because those days with MOSSPians in TKG seem so much simpler and enjoyable.

Is the culture different? Or are the people different?
Here... I get the feeling that we're being judged by every word and every action, which sucks.

What did I come online for?
To reminisce?

To see you appear online and remind me of you?

Back to studying...
I miss you too much now, someone.

:)

Of you napping DURING prelims, right in front of Ani and beside me in the hall.
Of your humongous school bag so damn messy that you couldn't find the 2-dollar note I stuffed inside.
Of us chatting at the school canteen about matters which can jerk tears right out of our eyes.
Of you knowing how I feel without me saying.

Of too many things.

I think those four years passed too quickly.

A Little.

2009-06-14T11:57:00.000+08:00

Just a little...
A thumping pain.

The heart hurts again.

PW, go die. I don't know what to do with you.
Will be grounded for the next 2 weeks.

See ya.

Mmm.

2009-06-12T20:08:00.003+08:00

I know I have to give up my dream of pursuing psychology/psychiatry as a career.
This makes me feel damn sad, almost as if there's no aim in life for now.

Do you know what? I didn't think of you much the past two nights.

If you saw the way I responded to a person's verbal stab yesterday, you would know why I've come to this conclusion... I'm too emotional, too indifferent, too stubborn, too strong, too weak.

I think I understand my character more after Exco hasting.

"You have to ask yourself... What are you afraid of? Why are you hiding?"

Thanks for making me out to be a lunatic. Shit.

Sincerely, I'm relieved that I didn't get into Exco. This has taught me so much.

My honest sentiments have not all been said.
I don't like the fact that being competitive and speaking well makes one a better leader. Many of the peers I worked with, those who seem more reticent and humble, are the ones who possess admirable qualities. They're in every way better than those who hardly care for their team members.

I'm hardly half as good as each of them, so I didn't want to carry on running for a position.
As simple as that. Why interrogate me?

:)

The 5-day-2-night camp was fine.
It taught me a lot about human nature, perhaps too much, and also highlighted all my weaknesses. I think I have too many, hm.

But yeah.

The amazing thing was leaving camp knowing that you know nearly everyone's name when it used to be something like, "Oh, he's in Infocomm too?" That was how I felt, but certainly, most who attended probably didn't feel the same way.

Made a few friends...
Guys who prove to me that some girls can be too bitchy for me, like Jireh and Zi Kai though I hardly know how to spell their names. Girls who prove to me that true friends exist like Shu Ying, Daphne and Sotong. You three were the pillars of my strength, really.

Enough said lah.
Just pissed at 2 girls, 1 woman and maybe 2 guys.

Yep.

"Sam!"

"Jess!"

Sadly we didn't video ourselves being pulled on these chairs. It was so fun. :D

My daughter and my good friend. Hahaha.

My favourite time. Cards, chatting, bonding.

Yep.

Oh No.

2009-06-10T13:33:00.004+08:00

No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

I'm so not letting this happen.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Think. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Really. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Like. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. You. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Argh.

Sorry for saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, being the wrong person to do this.
Does this sound familiar?

Kinda like two years ago.

Damn.

I Should Be...

2009-06-07T17:59:00.001+08:00

Doing Econs...

But...

Hiatus.

2009-06-07T10:46:00.005+08:00

Haha. It's my desktop wallpaper. Not working, as you see.
Shall vanish from Blogger and Facebook for an entire week.

Will be somewhere in school for Infocomm Club camp. I'm certainly not looking forward to it... Thank goodness for Shu Ying and Daphne who will be there - I won't be left alone with some other people then.

*cough*

It's a time for me not to be addicted to the cunning Internet too.

I miss you. Kinda.

My dream last night was surreal. In it, my maternal grandmother was nagging at me for ages when suddenly, I turned around and shouted at all of my relatives, before flagging down a bus and returning home.

Odd, but I suppose I'm this close to snapping.

Haven't accomplished much revision. I've only myself to be blamed.
Shall work on it now.

Fear has returned.

Shopped around at a pasar malam yesterday with my brother for the first time after so many years. He stopped going out with my mum and me when he was in lower secondary and began to hang out with his friends all day. It surprised me when I realised I miss his crazy presence.

We bought cup corn, peanut pancake, Thai coconut and a Ramly burger. :)

I tried to find something you would like...

At times, we all reminisce about our childhood and the simplicity of it. Those days, a candy floss cone and colourful popcorns did the trick of cheering us up. Yet, as the years advance, we emerge into so-called "adults", an age whereby we ought to be more matured and learn more about life.

Come to think of it, perhaps I don't hold on to my childhood memories that much. I appreciate the fact that as an older person, whilst we may face more worries, we are more exposed to life and every aspect of it. It may hurt and leave a scar, but maybe, just maybe, it's all worth it when we become a better person.

Is that why you've appeared in my life at a time like this?

Alright.
Gotta go.

Take care everyone and perhaps I can blog from school. :/

Ng Siew Leng. (1994)
I was so proud to see your name up there. Thanks for telling me. You're my star. ;)

A Maze.

2009-06-06T12:06:00.007+08:00

Ummmmm.
Sorry for bombarding you.

:(

Hope everything's going to be fine.

Cool? :)

The Boy of My Life.

2009-06-05T15:06:00.012+08:00

:)

I prefer shots of him when he's focused and being serious.

He was born when I was ten.
I was ecstatic. The first time I carried him in my arms on a soft king-sized bed, I couldn't help but wonder if I would ever give birth to a doll so fragile.

As a toddler, he was silently stubborn. His eating habits left the adults wondering aloud who he inherited them from. When he slept, his eyes would occasionally crunch up, signalling that he was having a nightmare. Then he would shout random names of his closed ones and hug them tightly, with tears, and at times, urine, spraying in every direction.

Soon, he grew up. Incoherent words began to make sense - but he is a boy after all. Every sentence includes the names of cartoon characters or action heros. From watching the Tom & Jerry VCDs I lent him, to admiring Transformers, Power Ranger and Wolverine from the DVDs his mum (my cousin) bought for him.

From 2002 till now, he has changed so much, and been through an entire stage of his life. He may not remember me much in his younger times, perhaps simply as The Auntie with Awesome Games in Her Mobile Phone.

But the difference I see in him each time we meet strikes me.

Likewise, the past seven years for me...
You would be surprised at how much I've changed.

Maybe it's me who has been screwing it up.
Maybe you've said but I never listened.

Maybe, maybe.
I don't quite want to guess anymore but it's too difficult.

Almost as if without you, I'm nothing but an empty shell.

Monica said I'm too abstract on my blog. Well, that's the point.

:)

Bless HP for delivering the adapter for free since the printer's still under warranty.
Back to work for now and ever.